[17:36 Jan 16, 2019] Yangon
The fourth post, dumping stuff from my personal note

Growing Skepticism + Dilemma

Today, I met a CTO of a local startup. Two days ago I met their CEO.

I don’t know. I am feeling uncertain, confused and scared. I kind of want to work at there. I thought about applying an internship there last year but somehow I ended somewhere else.

Things have changed. Especially, the way I feel, see, perceive, the way I understand and believe about certain things.

Talking to both the CTO and the CEO gives me total different perspectives. In whose position would I see myself in the future. That is a great question.

The CTO honestly told me the pay is not good, but culture is great. Thus most seniors have been in the team for years. I could see it and couldn’t agree more. If this were my old self, I would have been like I am down for this no matter what. Now I hesitate. I am now fully aware that product, team and culture are all equally important in a startup.

I hate this version of myself. I am having so many thoughts. Maybe I had spicy noodles for my lunch. lol.

Talking to him was just like talking to one of my seniors back in the Valley. I used to get super excited when I got to talk about tech with anyone. But not anymore. Yes, this technological stack and that. It was fun a few years back then. But they do not sound that amazing anymore to me.

Maybe I am changing, maybe I am transforming into someone else. I admit I am scared of this transformation, cos I have always enjoyed and proud of being that geek or tech nerd.

Yet I still won’t accept whenever someone tell me tech is not the crucial thing. It is not that I won’t accept, of course I know it is not everything, but I love technology cos that is how I grew up. Maybe not. Maybe that is not how I grew up. But what I am sure is that I used to love tinkering, building small things, making things alive, anything.

What happened? Am I getting hit by a reality? Where are the passion? Is it a fear that whatever I do, I will fail to do it? I am also going to give them expectation and quit? I am also going to quit this one too? By leaving and quitting, did those mean I fail them and myself?

Meeting both of them, I told them I want to work on a startup of my own with two other friends in the future (never happened), but currently I still want to get good at a certain technical stack. Mainly looking for technical mentor. Honestly, I have been looking for a personal mentor, but with my current situation I can’t afford my time for searching and discovering and also can’t really think of anyone who will understand what I have gone through. Anyhow, I might at least ask for a specific mentor.

Before I left to meet the CTO, I watched the True Sight of TI8. That gave me goosebumps. The real vibe and energy. I know I no longer have those anymore. I used to be that kid who enjoy playing computer games whether with BOTs or friends. Well, I often play mobile games like PUBG and ML but they are not even like Dota2. A kid who loves to build things. Who never hesitate to take responsibility and risks. Curiosity seems burn out already.

What happened? Seriously. Why is this happening to me? What kind of creature am I turning into? My girlfriend was asking me how the meetup was. I didn’t even have the will and energy to reply. Now I am laying on bed. lol. Weak as fuck.

Something is holding me back. All the energy I literally got from MakeSchool is slowly burning out. I can feel it for real. Not bad it lasts for like about two years though I was only there for two months.

I know I am not the only one experiencing this. In short, meeting the CEO makes me contemplate my future career while meeting the CTO makes me nostalgic. Infinite thoughts and I fell asleep.

Now, I must get myself together. Time to be back on track. :)